Santa Muerte

Interest in the Santa Muerte has finally taken off in the UK and I have a small stock of Santa Muerte items that will allow you to create an altar to the Dark Goddess in your home. As far as I am aware I am the only seller of Santa Muerte merchandise in the UK and I have no idea when new supplies will arrive.

The Secrets of the Santa Muerte

This book gives a brief history of the Dark Goddess, before telling the readers everything they need to know about the spells and incantations that are used by her adherents. This is a must-have book for anyone who wishes to enter into the service of the Dark Lady of the Shadows and receive the benefits that she bestows upon her followers.

Available from Amazon and all good bookshops, a signed copy of The Secrets of the Santa Muerte can be yours for just £10.00 plus P&P. Just drop me a line and let me know if you want a special dedication to someone and then wait for the postman to deliver your exclusively signed copy.

Statuettes

These 5" statues are perfect for a small altar in a tiny flat, and since they are moulded in one piece they are virtually unbreakable. Black is the traditional colour of the Santa Muerte but as you can see, I also have the rainbow statuettes as well.

Each and very statuette, no matter what size has been charged with sacred seeds in its base and then blessed with the secret words of power by a Santa Muerte adept as part of the production process in the Mexican artisan workshops.

The 5" statuettes sell for just £15.00, plus P&P.

I have a small stock of 7" black statuettes that show the Dark Goddess with a scythe. They are made from the same acrylic as the small statuettes but are hollow inside and so weigh less.

The 7" statuettes sell for £20.00 plus P&P.

Finally, certainly as far as statuettes are concerned, I present the 9" rainbow beauty of which I only have a couple available.

These statuettes sell for £25.00 plus P&P.

Double-Sided Amulets

A double-sided cloth amulet showing the Santa Muerte in black on one side and red on the other would be perfect as part of your altar rituals. The amulets are 4" long and 3" wide and are rare, even in Mexico. They are made in small sewing shops by female adepts and blessed by them before being offered for sale.

The amulets sell for £10.00 plus P&P

Conjuration Cards

Conjuration cards are very common in Santa Muerte worship with the large 4" x 3" ones often to be found on an altar. The reverse of each card contains a prayer or spell in Spanish.

Four large conjuration cards are priced at just £5.00

Small 3" x 2" cards are often carried in the wallet or purse and each one comes in its own plastic wallet. 

The set of 12 cards costs £10.00 plus P&P.

Incense

Incense is used a lot in Mexican rutuals with most people using standard church incense. However, specially blessed Santa Muerte incense sticks are available and I have a small stock of them here in the UK. Each pack contains 20 sticks and they are used for special rituals such as love, domination, attraction etc. Please drop me a line and I will tell you what I have in stock on the day as my supplies of incense are running low.

A pack of 20 incense sticks sells for £5.00 plus P&P.

Postage and Packing:

The book on its own, an amulet or the conjuration cards can be sent for £2.50 P&P. I could probably get the book and the cards into one envelope for that price, but if you wanted all three the price would be £5.00 for  a large letter.

Anything else needs to go as a parcel at a cost of £10.00. However, for that price I could get pretty much everything into one box and it would be sent to be signed for at your end, so there is no danger of it getting lost in transit.

How to order:

Drop me an email with your wishlist and I will let you know if the items are available.

Your payment can then be made via PayPal - ask me for the email address - and your items will be in the post as soon as possible. Remember: all parcels will be sent via registered post so you will get a tracking number and have to sign for the delivery.

¡Asi Sea!

How to Play With the Federast Mind at the Edinburgh Fringe

The federast mind is truly a joy to behold and then laugh at. The other day I was glugging a pint or three outside a pub on Edinburgh's Royal Mile when three couples arrived and began to look at the list of beers that were on a board by the door.

"I don't know what 80/- means," said one girl who made up for her lack of knowledge with large breasts.

"The forward slash is the symbol for shillings I told her," being the decent soul that I am.

"Why is it called that?"

"Well, 'cos that was the tax paid on a barrel of the stuff back in the day," I replied. "Although these days it costs more than 80 bob for a pint of it," I concluded, ever willing to be helpful.

"What exactly is a shilling?" 

"It's a twentieth of a pound, back when we had real money."

"Oh."

"Better start to get used to it, as after we leave the EU all that is coming back," I said. I think the Devil was inspiring me.

"Noooo! You cannot be serious! You're joking, aren't you?

"I'm dead serious, first we get Fahrenheit back, then imperial weights and measures and then pounds. shillings and pence," I said, with my best poker face. 

"I've never heard that," said one of the blokes, in that languid drawl that the English middle class has which makes the rest of us feel murderous.

"You can trust me, I said, pointing to my Brexit T-shirt. "I'm part of the Brexit team that's working on it."

I was expecting them to burst out laughing at this, congratulate me on being a fine wag and then buy me a pint, or at least join me at the table so I could continue getting an eyeful of the girl with the bouncers but they just started looking at one another before drifting away from both the pub and me.

So, if you read in the Guardian that the Brexiteers are planning to restore the old British currency, you will know that the tale started from wicked old Uncle Ken who made it up one day in Edinburgh during the Festival.

Edinburgh Fringe Time Rolls Around Again

If it's August then it's Edinburgh Festival time when the English middle-class come up here to laugh at the same jokes, read the same publicity for the same shows published in the Guardian and tell each other how diverse they all are.

Yes, I know, you do see the odd Japanese or Indian tourist looking very bewildered by it all, but most ethnic types are to be found sweeping the streets or serving behind the bars. Think of South Africa in the old days, but without the legal enforcement and you will have a very good idea of what this city is like in August.

The satirists are still regurgitating their shows from two years ago, and still don't get the notion that satire is about sticking the boot into power, not pandering to the prejudices of those who already have it. I would find the idea of edgy satire far edgier and a lot more satirical if it took the piss out of the privileged Guardianistas, but nevermind. The Edinburgh Fringe would not be what it is if it did not involve thousands of people reinforcing their values to one another. 

This character gave a good impression of Donald Trump, Laughing at the real Trump's voter who are people who haven't had a pay rise in real terms for over a generation and who the real Trump is providing jobs for thanks to his protectionist policies, is something that the well-fed Fringers just love doing.

Give this fellow credit for not trying to be edgy, just entertaining. For a tip, he will knock out a one-page poem or short story for you. I heard him explain to one putative punter of about his own age that actually it was really hard because if you made a mistake you couldn't just press the non-existent backspace key and delete it. How did the world manage without personal computers? 

I reflected on that as I made my way to the pub to get the taste of a city chock full of sanctimonious, self-righteous, middle-class gits out of my mouth with a pint of beer.

Post-Brexit Food Supplies: Why You Should Stop Worrying

I hate the silly season these days, I really do. The dog days when Parliament is in recess so hacks do not get easily digested stories to regurgitate and have to invent stuff used to be fun, but now it has become tiresome. The main reason for this tiresomeness is the nonsense that the EU will blockade the UK and try to starve us into submission. If you think about it, this is not just tiresome, it is wank of the highest order.

A blockade of Britain such as the Federasts fantasise over is one step away from a declaration of war. For that reason alone, the EU is highly unlikely to even consider such a move. Wars have begun over less as one side tries to pressure the other and the end result is a lot of dead people. The USA tried to pressure Japan into withdrawing from Manchuria in 1941 by cutting off Japan's supplies of iron and oil. The Americans wanted Japan to back down but what they got instead was Pearl Harbour. No, the EU may be many things, but it is is not as stupid as to do that.

Another reason why a blockade is pretty much out of the question is that it would hurt an awful lot of peasant-type farmers in places like Spain who would see their major market suddenly drying up. They may very well be peasants but even peasants have votes these days so do you really believe that all those voters would just shrug their shoulders at the thought of seeing their own families go hungry and their farms declared bankrupt, just to please the EU hierarchy? 

So, exports to Britain from the EU will continue, but the problem is that the EU is quite likely to make life difficult for British exports to them. In theory, we could end up with chaos at out ports because exporters' trucks are jamming up the facilities and imports cannot get through. That is not the fault of the EU if it happens, and the blame can be placed on our government.

Given such a crisis, exporters will have to be prohibited from approaching the port unless all their paperwork is in order before they leave home. If that is done then, as the blogger Richard North pointed out, the posts should remain open for imports and supplies will get through speedily. Given that this is the same Richard North whose alarmist posts on the possibility of imports not arriving probably helped encourage the press to start their fearmongering campaign, it is good to read common sense like this from him.

Leading from all this, British farmers who export to the EU will probably dump their produce on the home market, especially if the government pays them a subsidy to encourage them, so many food items can be expected to fall in price and that is even before we start receiving supplies from the wider world. 

The only problem we have is do we trust this government not to cock-it all up? Can they be trusted to ensure that exporters do not panic and block the ports, for instance?

The question was rhetorical because of course, we can't. This government is a shower and there could be a short period when supplies do get disrupted because the shower has reverted to type and failed in its duties. For that reason, as I recomended in A Sensible Prepping Guide, it is the responsibility of all sensible people to keep a small stock of non-perishable food in the pantry to tide a family over if there are short-term disruptions to supplies for any reason.

What that means is do not wait until March next year and then panic-buy. Start now and add a few extra items to your weekly shop and you will have your supplies ready and waiting for whatever problems do occur. If nothing happens, which I still feel is the likeliest outcome, then you can rotate them though as part of your normal family meals, but do continue to keep your larder well stocked.

You never know when we might have another vile winter when you will need that pantry, and weather concerns me more than fearmongering from the press over Brexit.

Enjoy the Weather With Sensible Preparations for Next Year's Brexit Day

When I wrote A Sensible Prepping Guide earlier this year, the theme that ran through the book was the need to prepare for life's little vicissitudes by planning ahead.  That does not mean investing in a tinfoil hat and fantasising about the end of civilisation as we know it, rather it just means being aware of the stones that life tends to hurl at us and doing our best to avoid them.

In winter it gets cold, and sometimes when the thaw arrives the water pipes tend to burst, so keeping a couple of gallons of water in a cupboard makes sense to me. Similarly, the just in time system of distribution will tend to fall down in extreme weather conditions so having a pantry that is stocked with a month's worth of dry and canned foodstuffs is also a sensible way to live.

What you can't do is deal with an emergency on the hoof. Well, you can try, but it will probably end in tears or a great deal of hard work. It's being reported that shops in many parts of the country have sold out of their entire supply of electric fans and given the tropical weather that we are enjoying this year that is hardly a surprise. What is a surprise is that seemingly everyone is trying to buy their fans now, an attitude that I find completely ludicrous.

I bought my nice, 14" table fan in the late autumn of 2011. It was put in storage and every year in about May it gets hauled out and plugged in. Most years I only use it for a few days, but this year it has been running pretty much all the time. Come October it will go back into storage for another year, and that's the way to do it. My bedroom is kept cool with a fan heater that has a cold setting and that keeps the bedroom nice and airy by the way.

So the key to getting by is to make sensible plans for the future. It is not to start panicking as the readers of the Guardian are doing by worrying that food will no longer arrive in the country when we leave the European Union next year. Even if you are worried about a new version of Napoleon's Continental Blockade taking the Guardian's wanky, panicky advice is most certainly not a good idea and neither is reading the insane below the line comments from the paper's sexually self-sufficient readers.

So relax, enjoy the nice weather and if like me you don't really trust today's government or its system not to cock things up, then create a pantry for yourself with non-perishable foodstuffs that you enjoy eating and rotate them through the year, restocking as your supply gets low.

Live a sensible life, in other words, and stop believing anything you read in the Guardian.

The Guardian Protects Its Poly Readership

A question to the Guardian that will forever remain unanswered as the paper deleted it after about five minutes, but not before two good-humoured souls had upvoted it.

Actually, the writer in question is a woman and not a man, but it is probably safe to assume that she holds her degrees from a real, Russell Group, university and not a double glazing firm.

Unlike the Guardian's readership who get very shirty when they are reminded of just how third-rate they are.

AMLO Is the New Mexican President

Not the greatest photo that I've ever posted to head a piece, but an important one since it was sent to me by a Mexican voter seconds after she had left the polling station having voted in the most democratic presidential election in that country's history. Her thumb was stained by a special ink that will take some days to wear off to show that she had voted and prevent her from voting again.

Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador, known as AMLO to friend and foe alike, will take office on the 1st December this year for a six-year term having garnered roughly 54% of the popular vote. His coalition also has about two-thirds of the 300 seats in the House of Deputies, and may even have a majority in the 96-seat Senate. 

The importance of this election has less to do with AMLO's stunning victory and more to do with the reaction of the defeated candidates. For the first time since Mexico's first democratic election in 1994, the losers have accepted the result and congratulated AMLO on his victory.

Normally, they would do as AMLO did back in 2006 and try to use cries of foul along with street protests to undermine the new ruler. The fact that this has not happened in 2018 gives hope that Mexico has passed out of the transition phase from the old dictatorship and into a new, fully democratic era.

AMLO's victory will be greeted by the toy-town left in Britain, but it is quite likely that they will be in for a nasty surprise when they see what his policies are and where his votes come from. AMLO actually has more in common with Donald Trump than either man would like to admit, so hopefully, relations with the USA may even improve.

AMLO shares with Trump an indifference to foreign policy coupled with a dislike of the North American Free Trade Agreement. Furthermore, he was elected by people who loath it for the same reason that working people in this country hate the European Union: NAFTA involved dismantling the old, protected Mexican economic model and allowing American exports to flood into the country.

Today, thanks to NAFTA, American corn dominates the Mexican market, which is why the sons of Mexico's farmers are off a-wetbacking in the USA rather than doing as generations did before them, which was growing Mexican corn for Mexican tortillas, subsidised by Mexican pesos from the federal government.

Similarly, the days when just about any product sold in Mexico had to be made in Mexico have ended. Mexican cars may have been a generation behind what was sold in the USA, but their production guaranteed employment for tens of thousands of workers. Yes, NAFTA has led to new car plants that produce state of the art vehicles, but they do not employ the vast army that used to work in the old closed economy and nor are the workers' rights to permanent employment as guaranteed as they were.

Mexico's wealthy, and the growing middle-class who suck up to the wealthy, have done well out of the new dispensation, but the bulk of the population are as desperate for change as we were in 2016 when we told the EU to take its hook. The Mexicans want protectionism and will look to AMLO to start giving it to them, just as their counterparts in the USA look to Trump.

Another factor that may leave the western wankerati feeling left out is the fact that throughout the campaign, AMLO has said next to nothing about the social issues that the wankerati find so important. So, he is unlikely to push for a constitutional amendment that will allow abortion nationwide and nor will he seek to do anything much in the way of pandering to homosexuals, feminists and the like. Such matters will probably be left to the states and to Mexico City which has all the powers of a state, without actually being one.

Corruption was a big issue in this campaign, as was the undeclared civil war that has led to thousands of deaths. The former is something that Mexicans always say they oppose, but don't really want to do much about since they tend to dream about getting a tasty government job that will give them access to bribes. The drugs' war hopefully will be halted in the old way by calling the various participants in and offering them a deal in return for the government getting its cut of the action. That's the way that Mexico used to work, and AMLO is very much a man who believes in the old values of the country.

Sexiest Fan of the World Cup 2018 up to Now

The thing I like about the World Cup is not just the footie, but the chance it provides for drop-dead gorgeous totties to let their exhibitionist streak shine through, especially when their team wins. This little darling is an example as she flashed her tits for the lads as Argentina secured its place in the next round.

On the Second Anniversary of Our Brexit Victory, the Federasts Still Whine Impotently

Anything up to 50,000 white, middle-class people turned up in central London today to have a walk in the sun in the hope that someone, anyone, would listen to their plaintive calls for yet another Brexit referendum.

Nobody will listen to them, partly because the rest of us are too busy watching the World Cup, but mainly because this shower of whiners just doesn't threaten anyone. The Poll Tax riots in 1990 loosened a lot of bowels, but nobody is the slightest bit interested in today's stroll by former student union types:

Another strategy would be to copy our tactics and unite behind a single party - in our case UKIP so the Lib-Dems would do for them - and then use that party to disrupt the existing party system. It didn't matter that UKIP did not win many seats, what mattered was that it stopped the two main parties from taking seats for granted by threatening to take votes of the sitting party and letting the other lot in.

Alas, the Federasts cannot do that, either, as it involves a level of organisation that is beyond them. To them, politics is what they did back in their poly days and involves nothing more than going on a march in the fond hope that exercise equals political progress. Expecting them to dedicate long decades as we did to achieve a political end is a waste of time as they are not political activists, they are merely political dilettantes.

They are also thick as pigshit, as this meme demonstrates:

If you think that Matt, a self-confessed poly-wallah was the exception then I have to tell you that he is the rule, as this fuckwit demonstrated when he fell for the same ploy:

Just what have the Federasts achieved in two long years? Aside from a few walks in the sun, always on a Saturday because types like Matt and Mark really want to overthrow the system but they have mortgages to pay and have used up all their holiday entitlement this year at whatever local government non-job they have, the answer is not a lot.

Oh, they did eventually come up with Gammon to describe us and they think that we are as insulted by that as they are when we call them Federasts. Alas for their hopes, we don't give a stuff about them, what they think or what they call us.

We are the victors and the pathetic whines of the defeated and disgraced are of interest only to give us something to mock as we head towards our Brexit.

Yet More Federast Stupidity

I put this here blog on ice about a month ago, but alas or hooray, depending on your point of view, it and I are still going. To prove it, let's have another laugh at another hysterical Federast.

The Guardian is now trying to talk sense into its declining readership, by reminding them that calls for yet another referendum are doomed to fail as all they do is irritate and alienate the very Brexiteers that the Federasts need to support a soft Brexit.

Sadly, few of Vidkun Quisling's finest seem to get the message, which is why they still keep screaming abuse.

The more they scream, the more likely it is that we will have a hard Brexit. Seriously, we Brexiteers are fortunate indeed in our enemies.

Exactly One Year To Brexit!

It is now 11.00pm on the 29th March 2018. In exactly a year from now, we walk out of the European Union, not on the terms that we would like, and the aftermath will be pretty messy, but we will walk out.

Brexit, sadly, is not going to be an event, instead, it will be a process that has only just begun. We need to start arguing for the type of Britain that we want after March 2019, otherwise, our former allies on the political right will make all the running.

We voted for many economic things in 2016 and many of them are already starting to come true. When I wrote Brexit: For a New Country over a weekend in May 2016 I included this appeal to ordinary people:

Forget changing the law to restrict the entry of scab labour, forget rebuilding the unions that we once had or the Labour Party that we once had to speak for us.

Forget all that for the moment and concentrate on the notion that if foreign labour ceases to flood into the country, then almost by definition your wages will start to rise. If there is no longer a reserve army of unemployed and underemployed people then management scum will have to start offering decent wages to you and to people like you. They may hate you as much as you hate them, but they are not stupid and they need someone to actually do the bastard work that creates the wealth which they then skim off and enjoy. That someone could be you, with for the first time in your life, a decent bloody wage packet burning a hole in your pocket. 

Who can deny that this is now happening? Wages are rising and conditions are improving precisely because scab labourers no longer feel welcome in our country. That is why my 17-year-old son has more work than he can handle flipping burgers at a McDonald's and why he eagerly anticipates his 18th birthday in a month's time when he will get another pay rise and can then work the night shift which pays even more money. 

People like us understand that bastard fucking work is the price we pay for our money and companies like McDonald's know that they have to increase the wages to keep the workers now that Britain is a cold land for immigrants.

Those of us who are on the left, the real left, the left that believes in economic matters and has no interest in cultural ones, argued that case for years. It was one of the roots of our opposition to the whole EU experiment.  We were told that the economy would collapse after a Brexit vote, but two years later the economy, our economy that is, booms as it has not done for years.

Looking ahead, Labour needs to accept that position as dictated by us. If it wants our votes, then it must revert to its old, protectionist, state-support for industry base, otherwise, it will stay out of office no matter what Jeremy Corbyn says or thinks.

That is for the future. For the here and now, let us take a deep breath and look forward to the next year as we head inexorably towards the exit from the European Union.

My Ruskin College, Oxford, Posts

Late last year I was invited to write a series of posts for the Ruskin College, Oxford, website. I submitted five and the college has published the first four, with the spiked fifth post appearing here at my own blog.

To be honest, I don't blame the college for spiking the final post, since it is a depressing read as you will see in a moment. If you are trying to convince people that higher education is the road to a brighter tomorrow, then the stories of old lags like me who bought into that myth in the 1980s doesn't really help you to talk people into forking out good money to go to Oxford. At least in my day, the state paid us to study, rather than the other way around.

Of the published posts, the first one relates how I got into the college in the first place, with the second post telling the reader why I chose that particular college. Post number three deals with life at Ruskin and number four discusses university life after the college.

Here is the fifth post:

Life for a Ruskin Man After University

More than one person told me before I went to Ruskin in 1983 that if I could get a diploma from the college I would be guaranteed a job in the Labour Movement. I was also told that if I did an honours degree after Ruskin I would have my pick of jobs. Given that most union officers, researchers and an awful lot of Labour MPs were Ruskin men in those days that struck me at the time as sensible bits of advice to follow.

Unfortunately, Thatcherism turned out to be more than a passing fancy, with the result that many of us ended up with a degree and no jobs at all at the end of our student lives, so let me look back at what happened to my generation.

A few former Ruskinites ended up doing very well for themselves indeed. I can think of one man who is now a happy professor with the Open University and living in Italy. Another is a well-fed barrister and a third is a City of London solicitor who works for a major firm.

What those people had in common was that they all tended to be at the lower end of the Ruskin age-range. They also tended to be from vaguely middle-class backgrounds and something had prevented them from going to university in their late teen years, so they went to Ruskin in their very early twenties. In other words, by and large, they were people who already had the cultural norms that allowed them to fit into upper-middle-class employment patterns, coupled with a determination to do exactly that.

At the other end of the scale were people who were well into middle age when they arrived at Ruskin. Many were industrial workers who had given a lifetime to their unions and were being rewarded with a word in the right ear and a scholarship to Ruskin. They had been told that a union job or seat in the Commons would be theirs, but those promises turned out to be unfulfilled when the great industrial unions vanished along with their industries.

Sadly, after university, many of those people spent the remaining decade or so of their working lives signing on the dole until their state pensions kicked in.

However, the bulk of the eighty or so people who took their diplomas in the mid-1980s falling between those two stools, with my experience as a graduate in his early thirties being fairly typical.

After graduating in 1988 I went back to doing the last job that I had held before it all began in 1983 which involved throwing drunks out of nightclubs. A Ruskin friend of mine who had stayed at Oxford to do a degree had then gone on to take a Certificate in Further Education which qualified him to teach in the Further Education sector so at his recommendation I did the same thing at the same London college that had taken him.

My first job interview with my newly printed certificate turned out to be at a college where all the tutors were on strike, so the job that was being advertised actually belonged to someone who was stood on the picket line that was being mounted outside the main entrance. Instead of going in I stood outside with the strikers, drinking hot, sweet tea, smoking cigarettes and moaning about life in Britain.

My next interview was with a woman who told me that Ruskin was a “workerist institution,” and she doubted that I would be able to fully empathise with the “multicultural leaner experience.” It was at that point that I rather spoiled her nonsense by bursting out into mocking, raucous laughter, and then getting up and going to the nearest pub.

Many Ruskin people had already decided to go abroad. One went to Hungary just as the Cold War ended and became an English teacher.  Another, a former projectionist like me, married a South African Zulu who was also at Ruskin, and they moved to that country as soon as they could.

I ended up in Mexico, where I learned Spanish and did a variety of things both academic and otherwise. I fathered three Anglo-Mexican sons and learned to understand that poverty is far better in a warm climate than a cold one.

Had I not gone to Ruskin all those years ago I am sure that I would have spent my life in Manchester and unemployed for most of it. As it was, Ruskin gave me the skills that I have used to write my books, especially the political pamphlets that helped in some tiny way to get Britain out of the European Union. It acted as a gateway to the University of Manchester and from there to Garnett College, London. Six fat years with full grants and age addition supplements, coupled with the ability to sign on during the vacations, amounted in income terms to far more than I could have ever hope to earn as a casual, short-term worker, interspersed with long periods on the social, which was the life most working people were reduced to in those days.

That said, it did not lead to the life that I had been told would be mine before I went to Ruskin in the first place.

Uncle Ken's Recipes: Caldo Tlalpeño

It is bollock freezing cold at the moment so time for one of Uncle Ken's recipes, this one being for Caldo Tlalpeño. It's a soup that combines cheapness with cheerfulness, with an ease of preparation second to none. Serve it up to the pretty miniskirt that you fancy and it will give you an air of sophistication, which will help your strategy to get her knickers down no end. 

You will need:

1 can chicken broth
1 can  potato and leek soup
1 can chickpeas (drained)
1 small can mixed vegetables (Optional)
1 pack of chicken chunks - value range are perfect.
A couple of chopped onions or a good handful of frozen chopped onions - I always go for the latter on the fuck-it principle.
Salt & pepper
1 or 2 teaspoons of hot chilli powder
One sliced guacamole. (Often used in Mexico, but since they tend to be expensive in this country I don't use 'em in my version.)
Double cream (Optional)
Nacho squeeze cheese (Optional)

In a saucepan add all the ingredients, except for the cheese, cream and guacamole, if you are using them.

Bring it to the boil and then reduce the heat to simmer. You then let it simmer for about the time it will take you to smoke a cigarette. Make sure you stir it a lot to stop anything sticking to the bottom of your saucepan.

When the food looks almost right, add your guacamole to the pan and continue to stir for another minute or two.

Ladle out the dishes and add your cream to the top with the cheese squeezed over it. Do not stir before serving.

If you have added too much chilli then more cream will ease the fire that you have lit in your guest's mouth.

That's it - cheap, cheerful and dead easy to make.

If you want to be super cool, then you can explain to the little darling sitting opposite you that Tlapan is historically the southern entrance to Mexico City and back in the early Twentieth Century it was where the trams and city buses stopped. Country buses also stopped there, so people travelling in and out of the city has to change at Tlalpan.

Mexico being Mexico people began to sell all types of hot food and some bright spark created Caldo Tlalpeño out of whatever ingredients she had to hand that day. It had to have been a woman 'cos they run the street food stalls.

This is vintage, cheap urban street food so forget all the fancy recipes for it that you can find online. Street cooks will use whatever chillis they have to hand so by tossing in a teaspoonful of powdered chilli you are keeping with that tradition. Some add carrots, others don't, so if you fancy adding a can of mixed veggies to the pot, then go right ahead.

These days the street sellers add rice to the mix, mainly because rice is cheap and it means they can bulk the plate out. I haven't included rice in my recipe, but if you want to add it, that's up to you.

Then buen provecho as they say in Mexico.

Federast Funnies 9

We haven't had a Federast Funny for quite some time, probably because the Guardian hasn't given us anything to laugh at all that much. Today, however, the paper made up for its lackadaisical approach by giving us a real gem.

John Harris, who is one of the saner Federasts, gave us a piece which took issue with the fact that so many Federasts think that they are so very clever. He might have added, but didn't, that it is this window-licking level of stupidity that accounts for their defeat and inability to salvage anything from that defeat. 

So, being a warm, cuddly, decent soul, I did it for him with this comment:

Perhaps needless to say, the comment lasted less than 15 minutes before being deleted. That could only have happened because any number of thick as pigshit Federasts with their crappy little poly degrees, puerile desire for status and local-government non-jobs took umbrage at my truthful prose and went a-whining to the Guardian's very own Mrs Grundy. 

I should have pointed out that now that Scotland has declared itself hors de combat, London is an isolated island in a deep Brexit sea. So long as the rest of us who do not live in London keep our Brexit coalition alive then we can continue to outvote the fuckers in the Smoke.

A pity they are too stupid to realise that simple truth.

Every Little Helps to Increase Tesco's Profits

I always thought of myself as a fan of Old Mother Tesco, but my sense of good feeling towards the old girl is becoming a bit strained. Yeah, she knows how to treat her basic Scottish punters as you can see from the above photo, but the rest of us are not exactly feeling the lurve that we used to.

In the pub tonight I got a text telling me that as of the 16th March the cost of my Tesco mobile phone contract will go down from the £10.21 a month that I pay to just a tenner, and for that I will get 500 minutes, 5000 texts and 10 gig of data. The problem is that my existing contract gives me unlimited texts and unlimited data...

As the bloke I was drinking with said, we should all go and dance in the streets 'cos Big Brother has just announced an increase in the chocolate ration.

The good news about all this is that it confirms what a lot of people already think: modern capitalism really is not just about shafting people, it's also about pretending that they are doing us these humongous favours while they do it.

Can We Get Stormy Daniels to Come to Britain?

Back in the day when the Monica Lewinsky scandal was breaking I was offered a signed photo of Bill Clinton's favourite cigar holder but turned down the offer, a mistake that I did not make with Stormy Daniels. Thanks to Behind The Scenes, a major British autograph supplier I have the above-signed photo of Stormy at a price that can only be described as a steal compared to what the Americans are paying for this lady's autograph.

Say what you like about Donald Trump, but he has a fine taste in sleazy females. I mean, he's not only married to the only First Lady who has flashed her rack all over the web, but she also has a rack worth flashing, unlike almost all of the previous presidential wives who have occupied the White House. All I can say about any of them, excluding Jackie Kennedy, is thank God they stayed clothed when the cameras were around.

Sad to relate, but Melania Trump looks to me as if she is trying to put her checkered past behind her and start the slow, steady decline into respectability. Sure, she has a long way to go, but that seems to be her aim, more's the pity.

You cannot say the same about Stormy, which is why this post is about her. I dunno about you but I would just love to grab hold of Stormy's knockers, one in each hand, lift 'em upwards and outwards, and then stick my head between 'em and go brrrrrrr.

By all accounts, Trump is due to pay a state visit to the UK later on this year, so what are the chances of Stormy coming over as well?

I have written to her asking just that question. If I get a reply then you will be the first to know!

Now the Snowflakes Want to Change the Spanish Word for Black as They Think It's Racist

Allow me to introduce the people of Britain to the very lovely Becky Macias, 18, who lives in Detroit, Michigan, and is a native Spanish speaker:

Becky has a dog and had she named the mutt in English he would probably be called Blackie, but because she is Hispanic she used the Spanish word, which is Negro. 

Negro went missing and Becky was so upset that she put out an appeal for her dog on Twitter:

That was when her problems began as you can see if you follow the Twitter feed at this link. In a nutshell, people who do not speak Spanish decided that the Spanish word for black is inherently and wickedly waycist. Presumably, they will shortly start an online petition to get all Spanish speakers to stop using the word because a bunch of monolingual mental defects thinks that Spanish and English are just the same.

The good news is that Negro came home of his own accord and Becky is very happy about that:

The bad news is that these fuckwits are out there in Britain as well. They have crappy "degrees" from even crappier institutions that are now allowed to degrade the name university. They do local-government non-jobs and voted to keep the UK in the European Union. Their stupidity knows no bounds and they infest the web with their inanities.

We must not argue with them. We must treat them with utter and total contempt and let our mockery wash over them until they learn to shut they fat, stupid, semi-educated cakeholes around us for fear of receiving yet more of our mockery.

Our advice to Federasts and Snowflakes is simple, and is summed up with this little meme:

Can Henry Bolton Turn UKIP around?

The above cartoon is being passed around Westminster by Tory members who may be counting their chickens far too early. It is quite possible that Henry Bolton may do a Corbyn routine and surprise everyone by defying UKIP's senior figures and putting the shambolic party into some sort of order, with the support of his party's rank and file.

Britain needs a party of protest, a role that was carried out very well indeed by the Liberal-Democrats until 2010. Then they decided that they were actually a serious party, so joined in a coalition with the Tories, voted to increase student fees, along with raising the pension age and doing over the claimants. They paid the price for that in 2015 and were given an extra dose of stuffing two years later. 

So, the political vacuum is there and UKIP could be the party to fill it. The Kippers are helped by the fact that they are now the party of hard Brexit, which gives them a very unique selling point indeed since there are a lot of people who just want to be rid of the whole EU debate. They voted to leave the EU and cannot understand why the government has not told Brussels to take its hook.

A streamlined UKIP would still not win many seats, but that is not the job of a protest party, is it? What UKIP could do is take votes off both main parties and continue to keep the political system off-balance and force both Labour and Tory to adopt a far harder line with the EU than they have hitherto been willing to do.

  Bolton has two things going for him. The first, funnily enough, is Jo Marney, his rather sexy bit of totty pictured above in all her glory who is clearly enamoured with the middle-aged, balding, former army captain. She may offend the Guardian reading wankerati, but such people are never going to vote for UKIP, anyway, so they can be ignored. 

Having access to Jo's assets gives our Henry a Trumpian type aura that offends the people who should be offended and makes millions of others chortle with delight at the randy old rogue. Just as Donald Trump is able to shrug off the howls of the people who have always hated him, not least because he gets decent talent like Stormy Daniels to lie down for him and then shows no signs of being embarrassed by his horizontal actions. Bolton can do likewise just so long as he remembers that Trump does not try to appeal to the wankier element in American society. He knows where his bedrock is to be found and he speaks only to them. Henry Bolton must do the same - and take the luscious Jo with him as a giant two-fingered salute to the British wankerati. Just so long as she is told to keep her pretty mouth shut, that is.

However, before that can happen, Bolton needs to structure UKIP professionally. He should remember that what kept the Liberals alive during the dark post-war years was the fact that they had an organisation to fall back on. The Social Democrats didn't, which is why the Liberals were able to swallow the SDP pretty much whole when it came to unifying both parties.

If Bolton can turn UKIP into more of a British army battalion, and less of a ragtag guerilla band that it is at the moment, then his battle will have been won. That means getting rid of the big swinging egos who will oppose any leader because they think that they can do a better job than him and just cannot understand why nobody else happens to agree with them. 

Nigel Farage, who is still the best asset that UKIP has, seems to be supporting Bolton in this and if Arron Banks, the money man behind UKIP when Farage led it can be brought onside, then the Banks/Farage plan to create a new hard Brexit pressure group may be put on hold to give our Henry a chance.

The next step will be the special conference that will be called to try and unseat Bolton. If he can appeal directly to the rank and file at that conference, then UKIP will be his and he can streamline and professionalise it. The party could be structured as Farage wanted to structure his pressure group into one that mimics both the Tories and New Labour. The membership will have no real control over anything, with policy being made at the national level as it is with the Tories. Focus groups would then be used to decide policy, an idea that was stolen from New Labour.

It all sounds very simple, but Nigel Farage was not able to turn UKIP's chaos into order, and neither were the two leaders who followed him, although they both tried. Henry Bolton might be more successful because so many senior figures have resigned over his affair with Jo Marney.

Britian needs a protest party and UKIP can still be it, if Henry Bolton can seize his moment.

With UKIP on the Verge of Collapse, Nigel Farage May Be Set for a Comeback

Today has been a fun day for UKIP watchers, with the party's national executive committee voting unanimously for a no-confidence motion in the leader, Henry Bolton.

How this came about is due to some texts that Jo Marney, Henry's admittedly rather delightful mistress sent which criticised Prince Harry's choice of an American bride. 

Those texts were leaked by Annabelle Fuller, the former mistress of the former leader, Nigel Farage. So the current lover of the current UKIP leader was done over by the former lover of the former leader - are you with me as far as we've come?

Jolly good! Now then, the rumour has it that Farage knew about this plot and has plans of his own to set up a UKIP Mark Two if Bolton resigns. The point is that UKIP is on its beam-end financially and cannot even afford to pay its leader a salary, so another leadership election is pretty much out of the question. Thus if UKIP does fold there will be a space on the political spectrum for a hard Brexit outfit that is not made up of anally retentive cardigan wearers who all seem to be married to women with cruel perms.

The idea would be to have a movement that is directed centrally with local associations that do as they are told, a set-up that is obviously based on the one used by the Conservatives. If it becomes popular then it may morph into a political party that would run candidates, but their selection would be kept out of the hands of the cardigan wearers.

Nigel Farage would be the president, with Arron Banks the chairman and cheque signer. Richard Tice of Leave Means Leave is also being tipped for a senior role. All in all, the idea is to have a centrally controlled organisation where the fruitcakes and loonies are expected to cheer the policies that emerge from the central committee's deliberations. Those deliberations would be aided by focus groups a la New Labour under Tony Blair.

UKIP probably should have shut up shop after the referendum victory as their reason to exist came to an end. That the debate is now between hard and soft Brexit is also clear, so the need for a pressure group that will push for the hardcore version is also pretty obvious. 

That said, given the utter chaos that is British politics today, quite where all this will end up is anyone's guess.