So how are you going to protest today?

Election day has dawned, which begs the question of which protest party are you going to vote for today just to demonstrate your contempt for the man and his system? I think that it is important that you do cast a ballot, because if you don't then the man will simply assume that if you are too bone idle to get off your lardy arse and walk to the polling station, then you are too bovine to oppose whatever plans he has for you. It's important that he knows that your contempt for him can be measured in bucket fulls.

Casting  a blank ballot is your first option. Or go to the polling station and write something very rude on the ballot. In the 1980s, I remember a man in Oldham who always wrote Eat shit and die on his ballots, something which I thought was rather silly at the time, but now I can see his point. Anyway, that's your first option.

Assuming that you decide to vote for an actual party, then UKIP are the game birds in today's cockfight. The advantage of voting purple is that just about every person that normal people hate also hates UKIP - just look at the vitriol that has been poured over Kipper heads over the past couple of weeks. Voting for the purple bird will so outrage them that next week's press and television should be an entertainment of note as they howl at the wicked wacists who make up the people of Britain. That's you by the way, so giving them the two-fingered salute via a punt on purple makes prefect sense.

Maybe you think that the average Kipper is as contemptible as any Tory, Labour or Liberal-Democrat, in which case An Independence From Europe might be worth  a punt. This is especially so if you live in the West Midlands, where popular local figure Mike Nattrass, the party's leader, heads the list for that outfit. Vote AIFE and you are registering your contempt for the EU as well as the cardigan wearing small town Poujadists who make up UKIP. If that's your bag, then fill it to the brim with a vote for AIFE.

Moving right along, we have the British National Party who seem to be on their last legs and are likely to be grateful for any votes that they can get. A decade ago they were the party most hated by the metropolitan elite and their stooges, and a punt for them will certainly sent the cat amongst the pigeons, especially if Nick Griffin, the BNP leader who heads the list in the North-West England region manages to hold his seat. If you are unemployed or in a McJob then you might very well consider voting BNP because the only crowd who hate you more than our dear old rulers are the Kippers in their cardies who want to cut your benefits.

Beyond the BNP we can see No2EU, a trades union and Communist backed minor party. This is a wonderfully wasted vote because if No2EU get 10,000 nationwide I will be very surprised indeed. That said, they are a serious minor party and if the thought of voting for UKIP or the BNP leaves you feeling in need of a bath, then No2EU might just be the fighting cock for you.

Finally, I included the Greens in my list of protest parties, which was a mistake. They are not a protest, rather they are a middle class posture, and if you have half a mind to vote Green then don't worry that's all you need. Besides, if you have that half a mind then you are probably not reading this blog. For the rest of you, the Greens are as much a part of bourgeois Britain as the Tories, so voting against that gang is just a good in itself.

If none of this takes your fancy then there are plenty of regional parties to choose from. A friend in London will vote for the National Health Action Party who are running a slate only in that city. Someone else I know has announced his intention to vote for the Yorkshire First Party, about whom I know absolutely nothing.

Right, it is now 7.00am and the polls are open. They will stay open until 10.00pm, so you have no excuse not to vote, do you? Get yourself down the the polling station and demonstrate your total, complete and utter contempt for the rulers of this country and their hangers-on.

The buggers will listen if we turn out to vote as we choose, not the way that they want.